Secret of Adulthood: Accept Yourself, and Expect More From Yourself. | Gretchen Rubin [Skip to content](#content) [ ![](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/gretchenrubin-logo-768x344.png) ](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com) - August 12, 2014 - [Secrets Of Adulthood](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/tag/secrets-of-adulthood/) # Secret of Adulthood: Accept Yourself, and Expect More From Yourself. ![Photo of succulent](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Secrets_of_Adulthood_10-scaled.jpg) Further [**Secrets of Adulthood**](http://www.staging.gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2014/04/further-secrets-of-adulthood-for-habits/): Or as W. H. Auden put it, **“Between the ages of twenty and forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity.”** Or as [**Flannery O’Connor**](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0374521042/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0374521042&linkCode=as2&tag=thehappproj-20) observed, **“Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.”** There are many [**paradoxes of happiness**](http://www.staging.gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2011/03/11-happiness-paradoxes-to-contemplate-as-you-think-about-your-happiness-project/), and this is one of the most important. In [**Happier at Home**](http://www.staging.gretchenrubin.com/books/happier-at-home/buy-the-book/), I write about how I struggled with this question as I faced my [**fear of driving**](http://www.staging.gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2012/11/story-i-cant-choose-what-i-like-to-do-but-i-can-choose-what-i-do-like-driving/). Should I accept a fear of driving as a natural limit of my nature, or should I expect myself to conquer that fear? Very reluctantly, I decided to make myself start driving again. Is there an area where you struggle to decide whether to “accept yourself” or to “expect more from myself”? #### YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE ![Gretchen Aphorism](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/DaysAreLongYearsAreShort_124845.jpg) [Secret of Adulthood: The Days Are Long, But the Years Are Short](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/articles/secret-of-adulthood-the-days-are-long-but-the-years-are-short/) ![Gretchen appearing on CBS to talk about Secrets of Adulthood](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/Author-Gretchen-Rubin-on-how-to-find-order-calm-and-joy-in-everyday-life-4-12-screenshot-1-768x432.png) [Highlights from the "Secrets of Adulthood" Book Tour](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/articles/highlights-from-the-secrets-of-adulthood-book-tour/) ![blue and silver scissors beside blue and silver scissors](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/8cxjzvpgkk8-768x576.jpg) [Hacks for Facing Life’s Challenges: Proverbs of the Professions](https://staging.gretchenrubin.com/articles/hacks-for-facing-lifes-challenges-proverbs-of-the-professions/) #### DISCOVER MORE # Like what you see? 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